Hi all,

It's been a trying time for Asian Americans. 4,000 incidents of verbal and physical abuse, five homicides, and then the Atlanta spa mass murder. The news of the latter hit me that Tuesday night, and I spent the first few days on social media, responding, being angry, learning and growing. By the weekend, I was floored and exhausted. It was hard to get out of bed that Saturday morning. I was in 'freeze' and 'avoid' mode, having been overwhelmed. My survival brain's buttons had been pushed and overwhelmed. I turned off social media, sat with all the messages of the intersection of racism, misogyny, and White male Evangelical Christianity's 'purity culture' which ultimately caused the perpetrator to fall into sexualization of Asian women, and then blame them for "causing" his desire. From the 'overwhelm' zone (see image below) I tried to bring myself back to comfort and safety with mindfulness and self-compassion, long walks, writing, conversation, and a welcome hug from a friend, a rarity in this year of COVID.

As a heterosexual male and as a therapist, I think about my relatedness with women constantly. As a son of a single mother, I have always been acutely sensitive to the needs and struggles of women. My goal is to stand with them as they press forward for equality, equity and justice. So this all went to the core of people and issues I care very deeply about, in a similar way that George Floyd's murder impacted me last year. I always wonder "am I doing enough?" "When will the people be safe from harm?" "When will compassion and common humanity play their necessary leading role in a world where they are often subordinated to abusive power?" "When will we have justice, reparations and reconciliation?" "When will the genders be reconciled?" 

I have said that as a therapist and human being "I am between 40-60% woman on any given day." I will never fully know what it feels like to be a woman, to feel vulnerability the way women do, to see men as they do - but I do my best to stay as close as I can to my vulnerability and theirs, and build resilience and compassion with vulnerability in mind. 

The good that comes out of this moment is increased visibility and awareness of Asian American issues. This has been a further catalyst towards galvanizing community. I worry sometimes that the political issues can also obscure our compassion and common humanity - and also that a push for compassion and common humanity can dilute the very real anger and suffering that exist within us as a people. I hope that the tools of compassion, relationship, mindfulness, creativity and insight can help us move the needle within ourselves and as a culture. That as we face the challenging issues of relatedness, we keep our softness and gentleness towards each other in community and with our loved ones, as we affirm our identities, and nurture who we can nurture.

Here are my two most recent blogposts from Psychology Today. 

Grief, Anguish, and Healing After the Atlanta Spa Murders - with instructions for self-care and writing a compassionate letter to oneself, modified for marginalized and vulnerable populations

What Is the True Self? A Buddhist Psychiatrist's View - a response to two other articles that attempted to distinguish the "false" from "true self". My Buddhist view of self, in summary, is that which uses the medicine of the world to ease the disease of suffering.

Stay safe and well.

In community and solidarity,

Ravi